There’s never been a better time to be American! Let’s just leave that statement unexamined, shall we?

Because unexamining is what Americans do best. The Examiner? That was BRITISH — this guy’s a no-good Tory lobsterback, somebody tar and feather the traitor, pronto! Now that you’re safely among patriots, you can ease into your rocking chair and soak up the July sun, which year after year provides a bounty of fresh food that springs up from the land given to the United States fair and square through the mystical/divine process of manifest destiny. The best way to eat local, seasonal foods like these is with a clean conscience.


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plumcot pluot
Or pluots, or apriums, apriclums, or apricums, or apricotandplummixedtogether. America has a grand tradition of bending nature to suit the shortsighted needs of its citizens, and nowhere is that more evident than in the plumcot, an apricot-plum hybrid designed to titillate your easily bored taste buds. These little stone fruits can be eaten by the half-dozen, and apparently research has shown the nutrient level of plumcots to be higher than the “much-touted” blueberry, so FUCK YOU, BLUEBERRIES. Shows you how far a little industry funding can go, but on the other hand, that industry gives zesty names to versions of the plumcot, like “Fall Fiesta,” “King Kong,” “Flavor Grenade,” “Eagle Egg,” and “Flavorosa.” Who says plant breeders don’t have fun?

Now, if you want to tread deeper into the unholy waters of plant breeding, check out the peacotum. Forbidden fruit, indeed.

boiled lobster
Consider this: that so-called “screaming” sound a lobster makes when you toss its still-living body into a vat of boiling water is just air escaping from the gap between its exoskeleton and innards, which are quickly being turned into a succulent white meat designed to be dipped in butter and devoured at a national chain for only $19.95. So it’s ethically fine to eat them without remorse!!!

Ideally you’ll get spiny lobster, because that’s the most sustainable — whatever variety you choose, lobster is a good source of lean protein and the romantic pleasure of pretending you’re bound only to the sea, which is your wife, your lover, and your grave.

grilled corn on the cob
Sweet corn
Corn was one of the Three Sisters of Native American agriculture, so it’s about as American as you can get without taming a bald eagle. You should probably have your passport revoked if you don’t grill up a few ears, rub hot butter and salt all over them, and wait for the inevitable aftermath in your toilet bowl.

This is actually a fun way to track your bowel transit time, and along the way you’ll pick up plenty of insoluble fiber, which feeds good bacteria in your gut and helps you have perfect poops with preserved kernels of corn, every day in July. This is shaping up to be a wild summer!

raspberry closeup
Don’t look now, but dour root-vegetable season is mere months away, so you better get your manservant busy on turning this raspberry harvest into preserves. If you’re a member of the sharing economy, though, enjoy the moment, because who knows what misfortunes await just around the corner when your current contracts expire?! Indulge in fresh, raw raspberries while you can, which will give you all sorts of fun antioxidants to stave off inevitable infirmity and death as long as possible.

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